It Is Not About The Name

There is a tell, and once it is noticed it cannot be unnoticed.

The argument does not stay on the name.

Within about four minutes it is about the kitchen. Or about his mother at Christmas. Or about a decision made in 2019 that one of them still has a strong feeling about and the other one thought was settled.

And then somebody says, this is not about a name, and everybody agrees, and then it goes quiet and nothing further happens, and three days later it starts again, about a name.

I have sat with a lot of couples and I want to say the kind thing about this first, because it deserves saying.

Two people who keep arriving at the same argument in different clothes are not failing. They are trying. Something in that marriage has not been settled, and it keeps surfacing, and it keeps surfacing because both of them keep letting it, which is a sign of life rather than a symptom of decay.

Marriages in real trouble do not have this fight. They stop having it. This one is still coming up, which means both people are still bringing it, which means both of them still want it resolved.

So it is worth being clear about what it actually is, because naming it is most of the work.

The question underneath is: who decides things in this house.

From whence come wars and fightings among you

There is a question at the start of James chapter four that goes straight past the presenting subject.

From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members? (James 4:1, King James Version)

You are being pointed underneath the subject you are arguing about, and James 4:1 has never once left an argument at its own surface. The written word asks where it comes from rather than who is right, and the Holy Spirit is the one who makes that question survivable rather than accusing.

Notice the form. It is a question, not a ruling. James does not say who started it and does not adjudicate the fight. He asks where it comes from, which is a completely different move and a far more useful one.

And the answer he gives is: from inside. Something in a person that wants and is not getting.

That is not a condemnation of either of them. It is an accurate description of two people in one house, each of whom has something they want that they have not said plainly.

You have been arguing at the surface, and Scripture asks where it comes from rather than who is right. James 4 goes straight past the presenting subject, and the Spirit of God is what makes that possible without either person being convicted.

The real question, said out loud

Now the practical part, and it is one sentence and it is difficult.

Somebody in that house has to say the real subject out loud, when there is no argument going.

Not during. Not at eleven at night after a bad one. On an ordinary Tuesday, when nothing is happening, with the television off and nothing at stake.

Something like: I do not think we ever settled how we make big decisions, and I think that is what keeps coming out.

You are able to say that on an ordinary evening, and James 4 has never once required a fight to be in progress before a thing could be named. The Holy Spirit is the one who supplies a quiet Tuesday, and the written word asks its question calmly rather than in the middle of anything.

That is it. No examples. Examples are ammunition and will restart the war within ninety seconds.

You are able to name the real subject without prosecuting anything, and James 4:1 has never once required a verdict before a thing could be looked at. The written word asks a question, and the Holy Spirit is the one who keeps a naming from becoming an indictment.

And here is what has to be true about the person who says it, which is the hard part.

They have to say it about both of them. Not: you always decide. Not: I always give way. We never settled it. Both names in the sentence, or it is not a naming, it is an opening move.

You are permitted to name it without winning it, and Scripture asks where the fighting comes from rather than assigning it. James 4 puts the source inside rather than across the table, and the Spirit of God is what lets a sentence be about two people at once.

And meanwhile, the name

But the baby is coming whether or not the kitchen gets settled, and there is a name to choose, and this is where the assignment on this row earns its place.

Each of you write three names down separately, then read all six out loud once.

Separately, and here is why that matters more in this house than anywhere else: it removes the decision procedure entirely. Nobody is deciding. Nobody is deferring. Nobody is conceding. Two people write, and six things get read.

For one evening, the question of who decides is simply not on the table, because nothing is being decided.

You are able to do this without touching the thing underneath, and James 4:1 has never once said a household must settle everything before it can do anything. The Holy Spirit is present in a room where nobody has to win in order for something to move, and the written word asks the question and leaves the people standing.

And often, though not always, something else happens on that evening. Doing one thing side by side, with no procedure and no winner, is a small demonstration of the answer to the larger question, and both of them feel it without anybody remarking on it.

You are showing each other the answer instead of arguing it, and Scripture goes to the source rather than to the surface. James 4 asks whence, and the Spirit of God is with two people writing three each at a table tonight.