I Want It And He Is The One Refusing

Everybody thinks the pressure in that house comes from his side.

His mother has opinions. His mother has always had opinions. There is a running joke about it and everybody at both ends of that family understands the shape of the situation.

And it is not true, and the woman at the middle of it has let it stand for four months, because the truth is worse and cannot be said.

The truth is that she wants her own mother's name on this baby, and her husband will not have it, and he has not given a reason that makes sense to her, and she has not pushed, because pushing would mean saying out loud that her family wants something too.

And the moment that is said out loud, there are two families with a claim instead of one, and the running joke stops being funny, and something that is currently manageable becomes a thing with sides.

So she has carried it alone since May, and told nobody, and made a joke about his mother when it comes up, which is a small betrayal she does not enjoy.

I want to be careful here, because there are two people in this and only one of them is reading.

He is not a villain. A man who will not use a name and cannot explain why usually has a reason he does not have words for, or does not think is allowed. And she has been guessing at it for four months in silence, which is the worst possible way to find out anything.

Pour out your heart before him

There is an instruction in the Psalms about a thing carried alone, and it does not say be strong.

Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. (Psalm 62:8, King James Version)

You are told to pour it out rather than to manage it, and Psalm 62:8 has never once asked anybody to carry a thing quietly on everyone else's behalf. The written word says pour out, which is not a careful verb, and the Holy Spirit is the one who makes that permission reach a woman who has been holding a family together since May.

Look at the verb. Pour out. Not present. Not raise appropriately. Not manage.

And look at who it is addressed to. Ye people. Plural. Ordinary. Not the ones who have it together. And the reason given is that God is a refuge, which is only mentioned because the pouring out is going to be a lot.

You have been keeping the peace at your own expense, and Scripture asks for the whole thing rather than a summary of it. Psalm 62 offers a refuge on the far side of the pouring, and the Spirit of God is the one who holds a person while it happens.

The reason he has not given

Now the practical part, and it starts with him, because four months of guessing has produced nothing.

A man who refuses a name without a reason usually has one of about four, and none of them is what a wife guesses at three in the morning.

You have been building his reasons out of nothing for four months, and Psalm 62:8 has never once asked anybody to do that in the dark alone. The Holy Spirit is the one who ends a rehearsal that has been running since May, and the written word tells ordinary people to pour it out.

It might be that the name belongs to somebody in his own past, from long before her, and he has never mentioned it and now cannot without it becoming a whole thing.

It might be that he thinks her mother is difficult and does not want to say so, because saying it would be an attack on her family.

It might be that he heard something once, at a bad moment, in that name's voice. Or it might be nothing at all: a dislike of the sound with no story attached, which he has not offered because it seems too small a reason to hold against a mother in law.

You are married to a man with a reason he has not found words for, and Psalm 62 has never once asked a wife to supply them on his behalf. The written word tells ordinary people to pour their own hearts out, and the Holy Spirit is the one who opens a mouth that has been closed for eleven years.

You are able to find out instead of assuming, and no verse anywhere asked a wife to construct her husband's reasons for him. Psalm 62:8 says pour out your heart, and the Holy Spirit is the one who is present when a real question gets asked rather than rehearsed.

And notice what the silence has actually cost, because it has not been free.

It has cost four months. It has cost a joke about his mother that she does not enjoy making. It has cost her the chance to be honest with her own mother about anything. And it has left him thinking this is settled, because nobody has told him it is not.

You have been paying for a peace nobody asked you to buy, and Scripture puts the pouring out before the refuge. The Spirit of God is what makes the first sentence possible, and Psalm 62 does not offer the refuge to people who kept it in.

The paper, and then the sentence

So here is the assignment, and it has a second half tonight.

Write down your mother's name and the name he wants, side by side, once. And show him the paper.

The paper first, because a paper says a thing without a tone attached to it, and this subject has been so loaded for so long that a tone would carry it.

Two words. Same handwriting. Nothing else. Put it in front of him.

You are able to open this without a speech, and Psalm 62:8 has never once required eloquence before God would take a thing. The written word simply says pour out, and the Holy Spirit is the one who supplies the room when nobody has words ready.

And then the sentence, which is short and which contains no accusation.

It is: this one is my mother's, and I want it, and I have not told you how much because I did not want two families pulling.

That is the whole thing. There is no argument in it and no demand at the end of it. It is a woman saying what she wants, out loud, for the first time in four months.

You are permitted to want it out loud, and Scripture never once made a woman's own family's hope into a threat. Psalm 62 calls God a refuge for us, plural, both sides of a family included, and the Holy Spirit is the one who holds a room where two people finally say what they want.