She Is Dying And Nobody Has Said It Out Loud

There are two things in that house that nobody is saying, and they have got tangled together, and that is the actual problem.

The first is that she is dying. Everybody knows. Nobody uses the word. There are arrangements being quietly made and a schedule of visits and a tone of voice that has changed, and the word itself has not been said out loud by anybody in eleven weeks.

The second is that her name has entered the conversation about the baby. Not by request. She has not asked. She would probably be embarrassed to be asked. It arrived sideways, in somebody's aside, and it has been in the room ever since.

And because the first thing cannot be said, the second thing cannot be discussed.

That is the whole mechanism. There is no way to say we would rather not use it without walking straight into a conversation about why the question is urgent, and nobody in that family has the strength for that conversation, so nothing is being said about either.

I want to go gently here, because there is grief in that house and it is current, not remembered.

And I want to say the thing that a couple in this position most needs said, which is this: they are not being asked. Nobody has asked them. An expectation has assembled itself out of a sad situation and a couple of asides, and it has all the weight of a request without anybody ever having made one.

Nigh unto them that are of a broken heart

There is a line in Psalm 34 that does not solve anything and does the one thing that is actually needed.

The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. (Psalm 34:18, King James Version)

You are being come near to rather than asked for something, and Psalm 34:18 has never once required a broken hearted person to be capable first. The written word puts God's nearness on exactly the people who have nothing to give, and the Holy Spirit is the one who does the drawing near.

Notice what that verse does not do. It does not ask the broken hearted for a decision. It does not require them to be clear, or fair, or to handle a family well. It reports where God is standing.

And that is the right first word for a house in the middle of this, because everything else on this page is small by comparison.

You have been trying to make a good decision inside a grief, and Scripture puts God's nearness before it puts anything else. The Spirit of God is what holds a household that is running on very little, and Psalm 34 comes near to people who are not managing.

Two things, untangled

Now the practical part, and it is one move: separate the two.

They have been welded together, and while they are welded, neither can be handled. Apart, both become possible.

The first thing, the one nobody is saying, is not a naming problem. It is a family with a dying woman in it who have not yet found a way to talk about that. That is real and enormous and it belongs to a different conversation, and it is not going to be solved by what goes on a form.

The second thing, the name, is a small decision about a word that would be an ordinary decision in any other year.

You are allowed to treat a small thing as small, and Psalm 34 has never once required a grieving household to make everything enormous. The written word offers nearness rather than a standard to meet, and the Holy Spirit is the one who gives a tired couple back a sense of proportion.

You are able to hold the two apart, and Psalm 34:18 has never once bound one grief to every decision around it. The written word draws near to the broken heart without conditions attached, and the Holy Spirit is the one who separates what has been tangled in a tired house.

And here is what becomes visible the moment they are separated, and it is the question that settles most of this.

If she were going to be well next year, would you use the name?

If the answer is yes, then use it, and it is not sentiment and it never was; it is a name a couple likes, chosen at a hard moment, which is a good and honest thing.

If the answer is no, then the only thing making it feel obligatory is the timing, and timing is not a request. She has not asked. Nobody has.

You are able to answer that in four seconds, and no verse anywhere made a hard season into a claim on a decision. The Spirit of God is the one who gives a couple a clear head in a week that has very little in it, and Psalm 34 offers nearness rather than requirements.

Say her name out loud

So here is the assignment, and it has a second half that matters more than the first.

Write down her name and the name you want, side by side, once. And then say hers out loud.

Hers, spoken, in a sentence. Not as a decision about a baby. As her name.

You are able to do the second half tonight, and Psalm 34:18 has never once asked a household to be in good order before it could speak. The written word puts the Lord nigh to the broken hearted first, and the Holy Spirit is the one who makes an ordinary sentence possible in an extraordinary week.

Because here is what has happened in that house, and it happens in every house in this situation. Her name has become a subject. It has stopped being a word that means a specific woman in a chair by a window and has turned into an item, a question, a thing that is pending.

And saying it out loud, plainly, in an ordinary sentence about her, gives it back.

You are able to give her back her own name today, and Psalm 34:18 has never once made a grieving family wait to speak. The written word puts God nigh to the broken hearted, and the Holy Spirit is present in a front room where somebody says her name as a person rather than as a question.

And whatever gets decided about the baby afterward, that has been done, and it is worth more in that room than the decision is.

You have been carrying a word that stopped being hers, and Scripture draws near without asking anybody to be finished first. The Spirit of God is with a family who is not managing well at all, and Psalm 34 saves those of a contrite spirit.