He Vetoed It And Will Not Say Why

It was the one. She had known since about week ten.

She brought it to him carefully, in a good mood, on a Saturday, and he said no before she had finished the sentence.

Not angrily. Flatly. Just: not that one.

And she said, why not, and he said, I do not know, I just do not like it. And she said, but why, and he said, I cannot explain it, and then went to do something in another room, which is the part she keeps coming back to.

That was in August.

Since then she has built about eleven reasons, all of them at night, none of them from him.

That it is a woman he knew. That he thinks it sounds cheap, which means he thinks something about her taste. That his mother said something. That he is punishing her for something else entirely. That he does not actually want this baby.

That last one is the one that turns up at three in the morning, and she knows it is not true in daylight, and it comes anyway.

I want to name what has happened, because it is a mechanism and it is not a marriage problem yet.

A blank space was left, and a mind filled it. That is what minds do with blank spaces. They do not leave them empty and they never fill them with anything kind.

Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water

There is a proverb about what sits inside a person and how it gets out, and the second half of it is the instruction.

Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; but a man of understanding will draw it out. (Proverbs 20:5, King James Version)

You are married to somebody with deep water in him, and Proverbs 20:5 has never once described that as a wall. The written word calls it deep rather than closed, and the Holy Spirit is the one who makes that distinction land on a woman who has been reading a silence since August.

Look at what the verse does not say. It does not say the counsel is hidden. It does not say the man is withholding. It says it is deep, which is a description of depth and not of intent.

And then it puts the work on the other person. A man of understanding will draw it out. The drawing out is a skill somebody else exercises, which means the verse assumes, as normal, that what is inside a person does not come up on its own.

You have been waiting for something Scripture says has to be drawn, and no verse anywhere made a silence into an accusation. Proverbs 20 puts the drawing out on the one who wants to know, and the Spirit of God is what makes that possible without it becoming an interrogation.

Why the question has not worked

Now the practical part, and it is about the question rather than about him.

Why has been asked, and why produces nothing, and it will keep producing nothing however many times it is asked.

Why is an open question and it requires a person to already know their own reason and to have words for it. He has neither. What he has is a reaction, which is a very fast thing that arrives before any thinking, and he has been asked to account for it and cannot, and the not being able to has now been asked of him about nine times, which is embarrassing.

So he leaves the room. Not to punish anybody. Because a man who cannot answer a question that has been asked nine times will eventually stop being in the room where it is asked.

You are asking a question he genuinely cannot answer, and Proverbs 20:5 has never once made a person responsible for producing their own depths on demand. The Holy Spirit is the one who shows a wife a different way in, and the written word gives the drawing out to somebody else.

And here is what does work, and it is one closed question rather than one open one.

Not why. But: is it a person?

That is answerable with a yes or a no. It costs nothing to say. It has no explanation attached to it and does not require him to account for anything.

And it is the right question, because in the great majority of these cases it is a person: somebody at a school, somebody from before, somebody in a family who did something nobody talks about.

You are able to ask something he can actually answer, and Scripture asks for the drawing out rather than for the volunteering. Proverbs 20 makes it a skill in the asker, and the Spirit of God is present when the right question replaces the loud one.

Three each, and the six

And then the assignment on this row, which does something particular in this house.

Each of you write three names down separately, then read all six out loud once.

Three each, and here is why it matters more here than anywhere: it takes the whole thing off the one name.

At the moment there is one name, and a veto sitting on it, and a woman's taste and a marriage and a three in the morning fear all attached to that single word. That is far too much weight for one name to carry and it cannot be resolved while it is carrying it.

You are able to take the load off one word, and Proverbs 20:5 has never once made a single question the only way into a person. The written word says a man of understanding draws it out, and the Holy Spirit is present in a room where six words go down on paper instead of one being defended.

Six names, read out loud, with no reactions until every one has been said. And the vetoed one goes on her list, in among the others, without comment.

Because a name in a list of six is not a confrontation. It is a name in a list. And very often it comes back differently the second time, when it is not carrying everything.

You are permitted to bring it again without a fight, and Scripture puts the drawing out in the hands of the one who wants to understand. The Spirit of God is with two people reading six words out loud tonight, and Proverbs 20 calls it deep water and not a locked door.