I Gave It Away Myself

She said it in a kitchen in April and she meant it.

Her sister mentioned the name, not knowing, and there was a small pause, and then she said: oh, you should take it, honestly, we have plenty.

And she meant every word of it at the time. That is the part that matters and it is why this is hard.

And the baby was born in September with that name, and she has not been right since, and she cannot say a word about it to anybody because she gave it away herself, on purpose, in a good moment, out of real love for her sister.

I have known a lot of women in that exact spot on a porch and I want to say the plain thing first.

Regretting a gift does not unmake the gift.

That is worth sitting with. She has been carrying an idea that if she admits she minds, the generosity retroactively becomes a lie: that she did not really mean it, that it was performed, that she was doing something other than what she thought she was doing.

That is not true, and it is not how people work, and it is not how anything in Scripture works either.

She meant it in April, entirely, and she minds now, entirely, and both of those are true at once and neither cancels the other.

Not grudgingly, or of necessity

There is a line in the second letter to the Corinthians about how giving is meant to go, and it is usually read as a rebuke and is not one here.

Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. (2 Corinthians 9:7, King James Version)

You are looking at the exact description of what you did in April, and 2 Corinthians 9:7 has never once required the cheerfulness to last for ever afterward. The Holy Spirit is the one who makes that distinction land on a woman who has been auditing herself since September, and the written word describes the giving rather than the years after it.

Read what it measures. As he purposeth in his heart. At the moment of giving. Not grudgingly, meaning not with a bad grace in the giving.

There is nothing in that verse about the following six months. Nothing about whether it later cost more than expected. Nothing that turns a subsequent ache into evidence that the giving was false.

You were cheerful in April and Scripture measures exactly that, and no verse anywhere made a later ache into proof of a false gift. 2 Corinthians 9 looks at the purposing of the heart, and the Spirit of God is what closes an audit that has been running since September.

What she was actually protecting

Now the practical part, and it is worth being honest about the moment in that kitchen.

There was a pause before she said it. She remembers the pause.

And in that pause she made a very fast calculation, and it was not really about generosity. It was about the fact that saying anything else would have been awkward, and her sister would have been embarrassed, and it would have sat between them at Christmas.

So she gave, and it was genuine, and it was also the option that avoided a difficult two minutes.

You are allowed to have had two reasons at once, and 2 Corinthians 9 has never once asked for a single clean motive before a gift could count. The written word looks at what a heart purposed and not at every strand inside it, and the Holy Spirit is the one who can be trusted with an honest account of a pause.

That is not a moral failure. It is what almost everybody does. And it is worth seeing clearly, because it explains why the regret has been so hard to hold: she is not only grieving a name, she is annoyed at herself for a pause.

You are able to see the whole of that moment without condemning yourself, and Scripture measures the purposing rather than the perfection of it. The Holy Spirit is what allows an honest look at a kitchen in April, and 2 Corinthians 9:7 asks for a cheerful giver and not a flawless one.

And there is one more thing, and it needs saying plainly because it is the thing she is most afraid of.

She does not have to tell her sister. Not now, not ever. The gift was given and received and there is a child with that name, and reopening it would cost her sister something and gain nobody anything at all.

That is not suppression. That is the ordinary way people carry the small costs of having been generous, and it is what generosity actually is when the bill arrives later.

You are permitted to carry it privately and keep her, and 2 Corinthians 9 has never once required a giver to report the cost back. The written word looks at the heart in the giving, and the Spirit of God is with a woman who pays quietly and stays close to her sister.

Say it once, and put it down

So here is the assignment on this row, and it is exactly right for a gift.

Say the lost name out loud once, then put it away and say a new one.

Once, out loud, in a room, because in five months it has never been said by her in any voice other than a congratulating one.

That is the whole of the problem. Every single time that word has left her mouth since September it has been in a sentence about a lovely baby, warmly, and correctly, and never once as a thing she lost.

You are able to say it in your own voice for once, and 2 Corinthians 9:7 has never once asked a giver to keep celebrating past the point of honesty. The written word measures the moment of the giving, and the Holy Spirit is present when a woman says a word out loud in a voice that is finally her own.

And then a different one, immediately, because a woman who has given away a name and never chosen a replacement is not finished, and there is very likely a child of her own to name.

You are able to move to a next word tonight, and Scripture leaves nobody standing at the giving forever. The Spirit of God is with a woman saying two names out loud today, and 2 Corinthians 9 blesses the cheerful giver and moves on.