I Have Decided I Am Going To Win

She noticed it on a Wednesday and has not been able to unsee it since.

She was in the car, and she caught herself planning. Not thinking about a name. Planning: when to bring it up, which of his objections to concede in order to look reasonable, which relative to mention it in front of so that his mother would be favorable before he had a chance to be difficult.

And she sat at a light and thought: I am running a campaign against my husband.

And she is winning. That is the part she has told nobody. She has been winning since about August, and she is good at it, and there is a small thrill in it that she does not want to look at directly.

I am not going to be gentle about the fact of it, because a woman honest enough to see this does not need softening. She needs somebody to be as clear about it as she was in the car.

But I am going to be very careful about the shame, because the shame is loud right now and it will make her do something stupid, like conceding entirely, which is not repentance and would leave her carrying a resentment for six years.

So let me start with the thing that is true and gets skipped.

She did not set out to do this. Nobody sits down and decides to run a campaign against somebody they love. It assembles itself out of a series of small reasonable moves, each one made because the last conversation went badly, and about four months in a person looks up and finds they are running an operation.

Look not every man on his own things

There is an instruction in Philippians that is the exact opposite of what has been happening, and it is put as a matter of attention rather than of morals.

Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. (Philippians 2:4, King James Version)

You are being asked to look somewhere else rather than to feel worse, and Philippians 2:4 has never once made shame the instruction. The written word says look, which is a direction and not a verdict, and the Holy Spirit is the one who turns a head rather than crushing it.

Notice the word also. Every man also on the things of others. It does not say stop caring what you want. It does not ask her to have no preference and no stake. It adds a second thing to look at.

That is the whole correction and it is not a demolition of anybody.

You have been looking at exactly one set of things, and Scripture asks you to add a second rather than to surrender the first. The Spirit of God is what widens a field of view that has narrowed since August, and Philippians 2 puts the word also in the middle on purpose.

What she has not looked at once

Now the practical part, and it is a question rather than an accusation.

What does he actually want, and why.

Not: what has he objected to. What does he want, and what is underneath it.

She could give a complete and accurate account of every one of his positions since August, because she has been studying them in order to get around them. And she could not say, with any confidence, what he is actually hoping for out of this, because that has not been relevant to the campaign.

That is what looking on the things of others means in that car. Not conceding. Looking.

You are able to find out what he wants without giving anything up, and Philippians 2:4 has never once asked anybody to stop wanting. The written word adds a second object of attention, and the Holy Spirit is the one who makes curiosity possible where strategy has been running.

And here is the part about the shame, which needs handling before it does damage.

The shame is currently pushing toward a big gesture: give it up, let him have it, say she is sorry at length. That would feel enormous and would fix nothing, because the resentment would arrive in about a month and would be worse than the campaign was.

What is actually needed is smaller and harder. Stop running the operation. Keep the preference. Say the true sentence out loud once.

You are permitted to keep wanting what you want, and Scripture corrects the attention rather than removing the person. Philippians 2 says look also, and the Spirit of God is what makes an honest small move possible where a dramatic one is being demanded by shame.

Three each, and one sentence

So here is the assignment on this row, and it does most of the work here because it makes strategy impossible.

Each of you write three names down separately, then read all six out loud once.

Separately, which means no reading of the room, no timing, no choosing the moment. Three, which means her best one is not carrying the whole campaign. And read out loud with no reactions, which removes the entire terrain the operation was being fought on.

You are giving up the ground rather than the position, and Philippians 2:4 has never once asked anybody to lose in order to look outward. The Holy Spirit is present in a room where a campaign cannot be run because there is nothing to time, and the written word says look also on the things of others.

And one sentence, afterward, which is the repentance and takes about six seconds.

It is: I think I have been managing this instead of talking about it, and I am sorry.

Not a confession of the whole operation, with details, which would be a performance and would put him in the position of having to reassure her. One plain sentence, said once, and then let it be.

You are able to say it in six seconds, and Scripture asks for a turn of the head rather than a display. Philippians 2 adds a second thing to look at without demanding a speech, and the Spirit of God is with a woman who says one true sentence and stops.